What do I know to be true?
Hebrews 11:1, “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”
Faith is not something that just appears in our belief system. I see it as being a muscle that needs to be developed. I do know some people whose faith is strong and stable. I admire those people. I hear some people talk and see that they are grounded in their faith. I wish my faith could be like theirs. Instead, I struggle from time to time. I am unsettled and resist resting in who God is, and I lack the confidence I can have through Him.
The past year, I have struggled to trust God with His plan for my daughter. About a year ago, she called me in agony. She was crying, she was scared, and she needed immediate help. I was in a different state, but I jumped into my car and drove like…well very fast and arrived in less than 90 minutes. I took her to the nearest ER, and her saga began.
There have been months of physical therapy, three spinal injections, four specialists, and finally, we were able to schedule her surgery. Oh, but then this thing called Coronavirus hit, and her surgery was postponed indefinitely. She was devastated. This injury has not only affected her physically but emotionally as well. There have been very dark days and moments where I was not sure if she was strong enough to carry the weight of her circumstances. I certainly had no idea what God was doing, and I was losing trust in the “good” we had been promised. I do not think there is anything worse than watching your child suffer, and my child was suffering.
There were many times over the past year, I had to lock myself in my room, get on my knees, and ask God to sustain my daughter. I cannot change her heart just as much as I was not able to change my own. I asked God to give me some kind of “sign” to assure my mind, capture my heart, open both my mind and heart to trust Him. In these moments, I would ask for God to forgive me in my unbelief of His promise for good. I knew I was told to “trust in the Lord with all my heart,” but my baby was hurting, and I wanted it to stop. God, in His compassion, reminded me of a question I encouraged many women to ask themselves during times of struggle, “What do I know to be true?” I know God is good. I know God is faithful. I know God loves my daughter more than I ever could and that He’s got her. These are the things I know to be true. For some reason, I had a hard time connecting what I knew and what I felt in my heart. However, I took those promises, held on tight, and made the next steps.
When I heard our state was going to ease up on prohibiting elective surgeries, I jumped on the phone with the original doctor. Not to completely confuse this story, the four doctors who saw us were in three different states because of the various locations Caitlyn and I live. None the less, I reached out to the practice located where we are currently living, and they gave us a televisit appointment within a week. I took the reigns on this one and provided the year-long drama we had been a part of, and yes, it is WE. He quickly referred us to the scheduling line for a surgical consult. My daughter made me agree to allow whatever doctor was first available to take her case. I reluctantly agreed.
I sat on hold for over thirty minutes and just prayed. The receptionist got back on the phone and asked, “Would you mind traveling in person to Center City?” I said, “Nope, tell me when.” She then hesitated and asked me, “I have an appointment available in five days. Would you mind meeting with the President of our practice?” I just about interrupted her and shouted, “YES!”
You see, 21 years ago, I injured my back severely where I was crawling across a parking lot trying to get help because I was struck with intense pain, and I was six months pregnant with my first child. After my child was born, I had spinal surgery. The first doctor I saw wanted to put plates and screws into my back due to the extensive damage I sustained. I was told I would never be able to run or exercise again, but I should be fine. I come from a family who believes in second opinions (that’s another story for another day). We turned to a doctor friend of the family to give us direction for this second opinion, and he referred us to an up and coming doctor. This doctor had a completely different plan. He wanted to use a less invasive measure than the first doctor. I liked his plan!! We later found out this up, and coming doctor was a part of a spinal team working miracles for high profile individual. This young doctor said he would do everything he could to get me to where I wanted to be. Since that surgery, I have run 5ks, 8ks, 10ks, 10 milers, three half marathons, and a triathlon. Needless to say, we all think this doctor walks on water.
Back to the scheduling for my daughter…when, the receptionist said, “PRESIDENT” I knew who that was. She was referring to the doctor who walks on water. He had an opening to see my daughter, and today we went. Within seconds of him looking at her films, he circles the base of her spinal cord on the screen and says, “See here?” “You (looking at me) must have had a virus when you were pregnant, which has caused a malformation of your daughter’s spine.” He went on to say it should not be a problem, but it is significant to know for her surgical options. One out of four doctors detected this malformation and the importance of its impact on her surgery. If we had not waited to be in this room at this time with this doctor, she might have been tremendously affected negatively. The doctor walked out of the room, leaving the two of us waiting for the scheduling nurse. I just looked at her and said, “God is good! God is so good! He’s got you!”
How is it, that time and time again, God proves himself faithful and oh, so good, and I forget? Oh, ye of little faith. I need to do as the apostles in Luke 17 and ask God to “increase my faith.” I find that I am learning the balance between the cognitive and the emotional. When my emotions take control of my thoughts, I need to stop and ask myself, “What do I KNOW to be true?” I need to breathe and believe. I need to continue to walk forward, even if I do not “see.” I need to remind myself of God’s faithfulness yesterday, today, and always. Great is HIS faithfulness!