NEVER give up!
It was just about 365 days ago; I welcomed a new decade of my life. I turned 50. I had no idea what to expect, but it started delightfully. Last summer, my daughter found this swanky steak house in Center City, and my children lavished me with a night out on the town and a fantastic dinner to celebrate my birthday. It will be a night I always remember. A few weeks later, my besties threw me a surprise party, providing me another cherished memory. I was loved on well, and I remember feeling so hopeful for the future.
It was at that time I was offered a job opportunity that I could not have even imagined. I was finishing up my graduate program and was offered a teaching position at a university. I was so excited. Teaching had been my long-term dream. I had applied to several community colleges, but this opportunity came to me. It was perfect. I was on top of the world, but was I?
Within two weeks of me accepting the faculty position, my life began to unravel. I was faced with the consequences of my poor choices. I had put my trust in the wrong place and people who, in the end, betrayed me. I completely shattered. Through the devastating results of that breaking, my heart was moved. I had a “come to Jesus” moment. I became convicted of my calling to live a life of complete obedience to God. This enlightenment of my need to live above reproach was followed up by a slow and painful process of unfolding truths, deep hurts, shame, and a wounded soul. I did not know if I would ever heal. Some days I still wonder.
Instead of me flying high as I began my new job at the end of the summer, my emotions were clouded by the immediate effects of my brokenness. There were days where I felt utterly rejected and completely insecure. Two days before I started teaching, I had moved into a new apartment in a new town, knowing only a couple of people. I was a new professor at a university in Washington, DC, without having any idea what to expect. I felt completely vulnerable, alone, and in pain.
But at the same time, God somehow enabled me to use my weakness and the power of that pain to move forward into the “glorious unknown” (from the song, The Great Adventure by Steven Curtis Chapman). As a matter of fact, God used Steven Curtis Chapman’s ‘Glorious Unfolding’ album to give me hope and lift my spirits many times this past year. Despite the pain, I had unbelievable doors open during the past twelve months for me to walk through. And I did.
Many years ago, I had applied to a university in hopes of earning my doctorate. At that time, I was not accepted into the program. As I continued to process through my pain during the fall semester, I believed God was encouraging me to apply again. And I did. The school that once rejected my application for admission into their doctoral program, within 48 hours of me reaching out to their admissions office, accepted me. I began the program in January.
At the same time, I received my acceptance as a doctoral student; I received an email from a publishing company. I had attended a speaker/writer’s conference during the previous summer and had been offered an opportunity to submit a proposal for contributing to a women’s devotional book. I thought nothing of it, as I was not a published writer, nor was I all that experienced in writing. However, the email I received was to let me know my submission was accepted. The book was launched on May 4th.
Also, during the fall semester, I realized it was time for me to step back into a faith community. I had not actively participated in “church” for several years for many reasons. However, I knew if I was going to experience true healing and restoration, I needed to engage within a body of believers. God led me to a church where I was reunited with a classmate from 25 years ago and introduced me to a group of women who are kind, compassionate, and accepting. I now call a number of them friends.
If I had not been broken, I would have never reached out to God for healing and restoration. If I had just focused on my wounds and wallowed in my despair, I would have missed so much. I would certainly not be here sharing my story with you. I cannot even imagine where I would be at this moment if I had given up. Instead, I learned to lean into God’s strength and comfort.
I learned how to mentally redirect my thoughts to the possible, not the failures. I would pour out my heart to my Father without filter and allow myself to release my feelings of shame and pain out loud and in writing. As much as I had deceived myself into believing I was in a place of despair, God would redirect my focus into places of truth, restoration, and opportunity.
When I went to my doctoral residency in January, I cried every day. God knew the timing of this program and how it would trigger my pain. But what did God do? He brought warm and loving people into my world. He crafted conversations and circumstances to show me He was there with me every step of the way.
There are so many powerful moments at my residency I could share with you, but one stands out. I decided to attend a Christian university for my final degree (at least I think it’s my final degree, at least I hope it is). The program was exactly what I wanted and is grounded in Biblical truths. During the week, I had the privilege of sitting down to talk with the Dean. She touched my heart with her words, and I felt a soothing of my soul in her presence.
On the last day of residency, the Dean came down into the auditorium and offered to wash the feet of any student who wanted to participate. I had participated in foot-washing ceremonies before, but not like this. The Dean wanted to wash everyone’s feet. My feet.
Her servant’s heart so humbled me; I joined in. I waited for my turn. I stepped onto the stage with my bare feet, and pants pulled up to my knees. I sat down, she looked up, and my tears began to flow. Her tears began to flow. As she poured water over my feet, she prayed. I heard her ask God to bless my new beginnings.
The pouring of water represented a deep cleansing of my wounds. I experienced a renewal of strength and hope. I knew I would walk away a changed woman. But the question was, would the change be a permanent transformation, or would it be a temporary emotional reaction? It was both.
My heart and resolve were renewed. But walking away from residency, the secure environment of acceptance and support was challenging. Walking back into a world that had not experienced the metamorphose, I had would be challenging. I had changed, but nothing else in my world had. But God knew. He continually brought to mind promises for me to latch my hope. He moved in the hearts of friends, and out of nowhere, I would receive encouraging texts, phone calls, and visits. My confidence has stayed on God, and when I began to deviate, He would gently pull me back into His safe arms.
I have come to depend on my morning rituals of reading, reflecting, meditating, and prayer to keep me on the transformation road. One of the resources I use is a devotional, ‘Streams in the Desert.’ There have been too many times to count how the verses and vignettes have met me exactly where I needed to be met.
As I continue to process through my hurts, I have continued to believe one day I will be completely healed. Just yesterday in Streams, a story was shared that resonated with me. As I close, I wanted to share it with you. I hope to encourage those of you who may be hurting and longing for wholeness. Never, never give up. It’s coming, I promise. It may not be today or tomorrow. But if you stay strong and put your hope in God, He will meet you. He will give you strength, and He will heal you. I believe it for you, and I believe it for me. Never give up!
There was a scar on yonder mountainside,
Gashed out where once the cruel storm had trod;
A barren, desolate chasm, reaching wide
Across the soft green sod.
But years crept by beneath the purple pines,
And veiled the scar with grass and moss once more,
And left it fairer now with flowers and vines
That is had been before.
There was a wound once in a gentle heart,
From which life’s sweetness seemed to ebb and die;
And love’s confiding changed to bitter smart,
While slow, sad years went by.
Yet as they passed, unseen an angel stole
And laid a balm of healing on the pain,
Till love grew purer in the heart made whole,
And peace came back again.
Taken from Streams in the Dessert – L.B. Cowman & J. Reimann