Faith over Fear
As a parent with a child diagnosed on the spectrum, I have often wondered…” WHY?”. I do not think I will ever have the answer that will soothe my soul, but I can say there have been significant impacts because of this journey. The effect I have the most intimate knowledge of is the evolution of my heart and how God transformed me.
I remember my son being around 12 months old, and I was in the corner of my bedroom on the floor, sobbing, pleading with God to just let my son talk. My pleads were fueled by fear. The fear of not knowing what was making my son different from other one-year-olds. The fear that I was right and the doctors were wrong. (I had brought my son to his pediatrician because my motherly instinct told me something wasn’t typical, and the doctors reassured me that he was fine. They said boys develop later than girls, and I was overly cautious.) My gut told me they were wrong. The fear that my son, the pride of my heart, was not going to be all that I had hoped and dreamed. The fear my heart was going to be eternally broken. The fear that I was not in control of his future and fate, and nothing could change that fact.
It has been almost two decades since that moment on the bedroom floor. There are so many stories I could tell of triumphs and victories, and yes, there are also many stories of pain and despair. However, of all the many lessons I have learned, here are a few I would like to share.
First, never lose hope. I did. However, God, in his great love, redirected my path and put my feet on a strong foundation. He took the pieces of my shattered heart and wove them into a stronger, more reliable instrument for him. He reminded me I have a heavenly father who loves my son and me unconditionally. He has promised me good. Romans 8:28 PROMISES, “And we KNOW that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
I still need to remind myself of this every day. I knew myself so well I even went and had a reminder inked on my arm so that when I started to lose hope, I have a visual representation of the understanding that things do not always happen in our timing. Still, in God’s perfect timing, all things blossom and become beautiful.
Second, never back down. My son is finishing a chapter and beginning a new one in a few months. In this new place, I can either resign to the system and just let him be carried along, or I can ramp up and dig deep for the next push, challenge, and opportunity to advocate. I’ll be honest; I’m exhausted. Although I have had a tribe around me to support and encourage, I am tired. However, I believe greater is He who is in me. My source of strength comes from my faith and the promises I hold on to be true. God uses the words in Deuteronomy 3:22 to continually encourage me. “Do not be afraid of them; the Lord, your God himself, will fight for you.” I do not have to back down. I can move forward with confidence God is in control, and his will prevails. I will continue to run this race believing all that I need will come before I even ask. My son and his future are worth every step I push myself to take.
Finally, never isolate. In the beginning, I was so scared to let my son out in the arena of life. I needed to be that “Mama Bear” or, as one of his teachers referred to me as the “Mother Tigress.” I circled him everywhere he went. It wasn’t until I let go, ok, let go a little, that he was able to start experiencing life more fully. I had to start believing in the goodness of humankind and trust there are people out there who would accept and value my son for who he is. It was proven. Are there vicious and ignorant people out there? Yes. And are there people out there who will look at my child only with pity and bring him in as charity? Yes. However, some people will be inclusive of my child because they like my child, they value my child, and they just see my child as one of them. That’s the good stuff. The stuff that makes my heart swell from gratitude and appreciation of what God has created right in the world, life-changing moments for me and my child.
One more note on never isolating that includes never isolating yourself. It was too easy to become saturated in my own emotions and vulnerability that I began to build walls. I began to pull away from my relationships and only engaged in tasks. I had to change that. I needed to be the very best for both of my children and to accomplish that I needed people in my life; friends who would just let me be me. Would they understand my journey entirely? No. But I don’t wholly understand theirs either, so we are equal. This is where I had that tribe, the ones I could be real with. I had to force myself to be humble and admit I needed help. I was able, on many occasions, to implement James 5:16 with my group. “Confess your faults to one another and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.” It was not my son who needed healing. I needed healing. I had to allow trusted people to speak into my life and allow the work of the Holy Spirit to heal my heart, and he did.
We all have our journeys. There is not one duplicate, which is the same with Autism and all disabilities. For every diagnosis, there are different symptoms, manifestations, and treatments. However, the one universal need, whether disabled or not, is faith in God. I had to stop fearing the worst. I had to let go of fearing failure, and I had to trust in the God who conquerors fear and tells me to live victoriously. I had to have faith in God and his plan not only for my life but for my son’s as well.
“And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you.” Psalm 39:7