HOLD ON!! HELP IS ON THE WAY!!
Psalm 107: 27-28, “They were at their wits’ end. Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress.
When I first started my writing journey, I had a number of goals in mind. One of the top goals was to be real. I have lived in the Christian world my whole life, and there have been many times I felt as though I did not measure up to the really “good” Christians. I did not act the way they did. I did not speak the language they spoke. And some of their thoughts were indeed not my thoughts. Ironically, just today, I was on a Christian writers’ group page, and one of the writers had asked for prayer for her family. I read the prayers that had already been posted and thought, “Wow, where do those words come from?” And I quickly go to the, “Do not write anything.”
None the less, I wanted to take a moment and tell you what happened to me over the holiday weekend in a real and vulnerable way. I think it is safe to say many of us are coming to our wits’ end over this quarantine. I am living in a unique situation, but I am thankful to be with my children. However, things have become a bit intense. I have a son who has autism. You can read a condensed version of my journey in the book, “She Writes For Him: Stories of Resilient Faith.” The past couple of months have brought to light that while looking at my son, you see a very handsome young man, his capacity is still of a young person. I cannot begin to describe the pain I feel, almost daily, as he desires to engage in the many things this world has to offer but is not able. At least, not yet.
I knew when he was younger; opportunities would be afforded to him because that was the “good” of humanness showing up. I also knew once his group of friends went off to college, and there were no more exciting opportunities, things would get hard. God has given my son the ability to drive, go to community college, and hold a job. I realize for many people on the spectrum; this is an incredible blessing. So please do not think I do not know how fortunate we are. But I am also a mom whose heart breaks every time her child’s heart breaks. My son is very aware of what someone his age “should” be doing. All of his friends graduated from high school and went off to college. Why didn’t he? His friends are in dating relationships. Why isn’t he? His friends are now working for companies and doing cool internships. When will he? And as much as I try to explain to him why he lives at home, why he goes to community college and why he works at a grocery store, the reality makes no sense to him. His capacity does not allow him to understand the “why.”
This weekend it got ugly. It started with a concern about my son’s diet and exercise habits. Then it rolled into him, not wanting to go to community college anymore, and it just snowballed into frustration, yelling, and crying. It was ugly. He is so discouraged; I would even go as much to say; he is grieving the life he desires to have and does not. There are days I cannot marry certain verses, like “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,” and then tell my son, “Nope, you cannot go to the university.” If I cannot understand it, how in the world is he supposed to understand it?
That night we decided to watch a movie my dad had recommended titled “Greater” on Netflix. This movie is based on the life story of Brandon Burlsworth, a young man told he was not good enough to play for a Division I football team, and he proved everyone wrong. The story showed this boy’s perseverance and discipline to get what he wanted. I am not sure it was the best movie for us to watch. The hope was to inspire my son never to give up. Instead, another argument broke out, and within minutes the two of us were nose to nose in his room where I was about to lose my mind. I was at my wits’ end. I said things I wished I had not. I was speaking, no screaming out of anger and frustration. At one point, he told me to “watch your language.” When I say I almost lost my mind, I mean, I almost lost my mind. Let me also say, my son, who is 6 feet tall and weighs over 200 pounds, is someone I should not be going nose to nose with, but my emotions got the best of me at that moment.
I do not know what precisely grabbed my attention, but in an instant, I internally cried out to God for help. I could feel the tightness in my chest, my clenched jaw, and my mind was saying, “God, please help me.” At that moment, I took a deep breath. My son fell back onto his bed, and there was silence. He sat up for a brief moment and said these words; “I wish I was never born because of this stupid disability. It makes my head go crazy.” Talk about a punch in the gut.
He laid back down, and I walked over to the side of his bed and laid next to him, looking up to his spinning ceiling fan. It represented all the words and emotions going around and around in my head. I was desperate for the right thing to say. I had just been reading in a devotional book about the importance of praising God and being thankful, even in dark times. I had just used my words to shatter so many hopes and dreams. I needed to fix what I had broken. How was I going to be the example I needed to be, and how was I going to inspire hope, not devastation?
My tears began to flow. I took my son’s hand and asked him if we could pray. He said, “yes.” I asked God to help us; to help us trust Him. I prayed verses from Psalm 139 of how my son was fearfully and wonderfully made. I prayed verses about God being the Great Healer and asked him to heal us both. I prayed verses about God being for us and allowing all things to work together for good and wanting to give us the desires of our hearts. And again, I asked God to help us trust Him. I then prayed something that almost got stuck in my throat. God calls us to obedience, no matter what the feelings may be. So I thanked God for autism. I thanked Him for how He is using a disability to make us more like Himself. And I thanked Him for using this time in our lives to teach us to trust Him, no matter what.
It was an emotional weekend. And like many things in life, when troubles come, they do not always just go away. God allows us to walk through the process to teach us how to lean into His love and grace. That is what is happening in my home. My son still has incredible desires to be fulfilled. My heart still breaks over my son’s disappointments. And although it may feel as if we are at our wits’ end over autism, we will continue to cry out to the Lord, and He will continue to bring us out of our distress.